I'm in the war of my life,
at the door of my life,
out of time
and there's nowhere to run
I'm in the war of my life,
at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight til its done


And I will fight. I will fight with everything in me, and I will never give up. I will never falter. This is my dream. This is my greatest desire, and I will make it come true! <3

Dear God,
What are you trying to teach me? What lesson am suppose to take from all of this heartbreak? Patience? Strength? What? I just don't understand. I don't see justice, and I can't understand the plan and I can't find the path? Where are you, God? I feel alone in this. I feel let down. I feel like it's unfair. Please PLEASE help me understand. Please help me see what this journey is suppose to be. Please show me the light at the end of this tunnel. Please let me know there is an end. I need peace. I need to know that this will all be worth it. I need to know I'm not being punished. I know you gave me this ache for a reason. I know this love and this need has a purpose. Why does it hurt so much?

Poems

I truly believe God sends people into your life to walk with you through trials and seasons and though seasons may come and go when they may be out of your life, He always brings them back at exactly the right time. Brittany has been this person in my life several times. I like to think I've done the same for her at some point or another as well. Tonight she came through again, just when I needed it. She sent me 2 poems on Facebook that really put into words what I can't. It's so easy to feel so alone when going through infertility or when you are TTC, but really you aren't. You are so far from it. You are part of a group of women who are stronger than they should have to be, but they fight the same fight for the same goal as you are. Although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it feels good to know those others out there can understand and say just what you need to hear when you need it most.

The Great Pretender

Shopping around and having fun,
Little shoes and hats for the sun...
Wrapped in pink or baby blue,
But none for me... All for you.

Tiny shoes, she'll be in style,
When I see them I give you a smile.
But it tears my heart in two...
Still none for me... all for you.

I rub your bellies when you come around,
Pretending all day that I'm not feeling down.
I'll never let you see the truth...
It hurts to know it's all for you.

I pray everyday up to Him,
"Please know I'm happy for them,
But there is no other lesson to learn.
When, dear God, will it be my turn?"
Wanting, hoping, waiting, and praying.
To have a little one to call our own.
Getting tired of trying and failing.
Just want to make our house a home.
When is it going to be our turn for a baby?
There is this emptiness in completing our family,
This is really driving us crazy!
Maybe one day it will be our time for joy,
Until then we must stay strong and keep hoping
Please pray for us and sprinkle that baby dust upon us!



Thoughts on Becoming a Mother


There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

First Step

This weekend Randy and I got the news that good friends of ours who have been trying to get pregnant for a few months finally succeeded. While I am so very happy for them I still cried and beat myself up like I do every time. I wasn't home so they told Randy, but he asked me what they did to finally get pregnant. They started seeing an OB through the Plan First Medicaid program who put them on Clomid. When Randy found out the ends and outs of the process he told me we'd be trying the same thing.

On Tuesday I went to the Health Department to get a pap smear and apply for Plan First Medicaid. You can read up all about it here on our personal blog. I'll also repost it here.

Let me just start off by saying, I have heard terrible things about the Health Department. Not just ours, all government run health departments. I've heard they are dirty, loud, in bad parts of town, and other awful things. I've even heard that the doctors there are so awful they along will make you loose your child. Yep. That is why I've never been to the Health Department. Well, today I put on my big girl panties and I went to the health department. Let me just tell you, it was the best experience I've ever had in a doctors' office in my life. It was nice and clean and I was in and out in 2 hours. That seems like a while but I had to fill out new patient paperwork, go through a Medicaid consult, have blood work done, get a pap smear and apply for PlanFirst Medicaid. My waits in each waiting room were no more than 10 minutes max. The people were so kind and I was never made to feel like a bad person for being there. They were supportive and they listened to me and the best part, a different nurse would come in and say "Aw, you're trying to have a baby? That's wonderful." I didn't have to repeat myself a hundred times and they cared about why I was there. It wasn't about the money. They generally cared. I can not tell you how good it was to hear "Yes, there is something wrong. You have tried enough and you are doing everything right. Let's see what we can do to fix this." I know I'm not crazy. I knew something in my body wasn't right and it wasn't because God didn't want me to get pregnant, or that I wasn't being patient enough, or that I wasn't believing in the magical fairy dust enough, that something wasn't right. I knew it. Yes, I'm sure people are out there that just need to calm down and boom they get knocked up. Those people aren't me. I've had issues since I was 12 with endometriosis and it's been nearly 6 years since my last checkup. It feels to good to know I was right to be worried.

I didn't cry when they drew my blood (this seriously was a big worry) but they did have to use a peds butterfly needle and go through the top of my arm to be able find a vein. I did on the other hand tear up at the pap. Wow. That was kinda rough. The lady told me that she thinks I have scar tissue in my tubes and if I get accepted into the Plan First program I can see Dr. Daniels about treatment. I may have to have another surgery to get rid of the scar tissue, but hopefully after that we should be able to easily get pregnant. It will be amazing. It will take 2 weeks to find out if we qualify for the program. After that I'll have wait to get an appointment with the Dr. and from there find out the steps we need to take to get the ball rolling. I feel so much peace knowing we have options and a way to get past this. I wish I hadn't waited this long to ask for help. We could already have our little bit on the way. But I'm so grateful that we have information now and I'm hoping this leads us to exactly the goal we have been working so hard for.

Fingers crossed we get approved. If not this all stops here and I'm not sure what we'll do.

If all goes as planned in a couple of weeks we will start contacting OBGYNs to set up consults and decide who is the best fit for us to continue on this journey with. I'm not sure if they'll start us out with Colmid or if they'll check the possibility of scar tissue and checking my tubes. After the last 2 surgeries being so long ago I think that is such a strong possibility I don't really want to stall with anything else. I've heard so many success stories about women with Endometriosis getting their scar tissue taken out and getting pregnant the very next month. If I have to have another laparoscopy I think we have to wait 6-8 weeks before we can try again. Either way, I truly feel like this is the BEST option for us to move to the next step. I'll be so glad to get this waiting period over with to find out if we are approved or not so we can move on. This is the first step to a very long journey and I am beyond ready to begin.

Our Journey Begins

Since I was a small child I knew my purpose in life was to be a mother. I only wish when I was small someone had begun to prepare me for how hard that might be. In a fairytale world you grow up, meet a boy, fall in love, have a great big wedding, then one day a stork comes by and drops a little bundle of joy at your doorstep. Never do you hear about ovulation tests, temperature taking, and least of all cervical position. Nope, no fairy tales tell you about those.

When I was 14 I was 'diagnosed' with Endometriosis.

(Endometriosis is a condition in which the tissue that behaves like the cells lining the uterus (endometrium) grows in other areas of the body, causing pain, irregular bleeding, and possible infertility.)

At the time this just meant really bad, irregular periods, and lots of pain. Now it means our journey to a baby isn't going to be paved with an easy road. We've been trying now for going on 9 months. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a fairly bubbly and upbeat person. It takes quite a bit to get me down, but this has floored me like no other. Unfortunately I have found myself becoming a very sad, angry, and bitter person. None of which I am comfortable with. I hate feeling this way so I'm using this blog as a way to turn that around. I have time to prepare to that's just what I'm going to do. I'm going to use this time to figure out the parenting skills I want to learn, to decide the most important traits I want to teach my child, to educate myself on parenting methods and subjects like breastfeeding, baby wearing, and co sleeping. Doing anything and everything I can to eventually grow into the parent my child deserves. Of course, that all has to be sprinkled with the fun stuff like nursery decor and the cutest strollers in town. :) I know this road may be a long one, and by no means will I be doing it alone, but I would love to take you on this journey with me. To get your input. What has worked for you, what hasn't. You are welcome to follow me on our quest to our child, and hopefully at the end you can celebrate those 2 lines with me when my journey turns to becoming a mother.