Reorganizing

It's been a while. It's all been a while. We've officially hit our one year mark for being TTC, and all of the other friends I had that were TTC are officially pregnant, but not us. Wow. There's a pill to swallow. We were denied 3 times from Plan First so now we are moving on to plan B, and trying to figure out what on Earth that is. It all centers around money. It really does. Without insurance, you get no care unless you can pay out the rear for it, and we simply can't afford it as a young couple, owning our first home, and just starting out. It's heartbreaking, but I'm just at a loss for what else to do.
The week we hit 1 year was really hard for me. I actually threw all the baby stuff we've been collecting out.... in the yard.... as hard as I could. It was trash day, I was kind of hoping for it to make it's way there. Like the sweet husband he is, Randy went and picked everything up and put it away where I couldn't see it. I was just so over it. Over the pain, the hurt, the bitterness, the anger, and the jealousy. I'm still over it, but yesterday it got a bit better. My mother in law came over to help me clean off my carport. It was covered with props so I knew they'd have to go into my back room. My 'office'. My office that I haven't walked into in months because it's covered in baby stuff. I got where I couldn't even go in the room because of all the baby stuff scattered everywhere like a wreckage, and that's what it made me feel like, a wreck, so I'd throw stuff in there and just walk away. I wouldn't even turn on the light. Well my mother in law helped me clear it all out and go through the entire room and reorganize, regroup. All the baby stuff is sorted into tubs and baskets under the bed. One for used clothes, one for new clothes, one for cloth diapers, and one for books and toys. The disposable diapers and the carseat are on the top shelf of the closet. I can't see them, they're out of sight, but close enough and easily accessible so I can touch them and hold them when I need to. That was honestly the most important thing to me. That is what I'm trying to do. Keep the whole problem out of sight, and only dealing with it when I want to, or feel like I emotionally can.
It made me feel good yesterday going through the clothes, touching them, holding the blankets, fingering the blocks, thumbing through books. I used to do it often but it's been a while that it hasn't hurt to do. I can't wait until there is a baby filling up those clothes, playing with those blocks, looking at those books. It couldn't come soon enough. One day. One day. Until then I'll just keep plucking along the best I can, and every once in a while, touching those sweet little baby clothes waiting under the bed.