Disappointment

I started an antibiotic today for this acne that is progressively getting worse. It's sore and it's all over my body, and really it's just the pits. It seems vain that I'm worried enough about it to start taking meds when I really don't care for them in the first place, but I look like I'm diseased or something. It's just not pretty. I was reading the package insert (like always) and in big bold all caps letters it says "DO NOT TAKE IF YOU ARE PREGNANT, THINK YOU MAY BE PREGNANT, OR ARE TRYING TO GET PREGNANT AS THIS MEDICATION HAS BE PROVEN TO CAUSE HARM TO HUMAN FETUSES". Wow. Just wow. And the side effects where things like headaches, nausea, vomiting, ect.... Now I know I'm not pregnant. I've been waiting for my period for about a week now. I'm not late, but my thought process was, if by some slim chance I am pregnant and I don't know it, it'll be at least another 2-3 weeks before I'd even test to find out, if I'm having any symptoms I wouldn't test earlier because I would assume it was side effects from the medication, and I wouldn't give it another thought. That would be 3 weeks worth of antibiotics that are PROVED TO HARM HUMAN FETUSES and that was just too big of a risk for me. The last thing I need is to get pregnant after a year of trying then screw it all up by taking meds for acne and causing serious problems with our child. I don't regret the decision, but I do regret how I feel every time I go buy a test. I KNOW I'm not. I KNOW it, but I still let myself get that small small window of hope and excitement, and it gets shot down every single time. In fact, I never actually have to buy the test. It never fails, I walk into the store I'm going to get the test from, I go use the bathroom, and boom, I've started my period. Every.Single.Time. It's like my uterus is trying to save me money or something. And every time I get disappointed.
All I kept running through my mind today was, 'What if you are. What a cool way to find out! By surprise!' But no. With every period comes this sinking hole in my stomach. This sick emptiness that makes way for thoughts like 'It's never going to happen is it? I just can't do it. Why bother?' Then I cry. In the middle of TJ Maxx. I just can't help it. I just can't. I have good days, but most of my days lately have been bad on this front. It's so easy to say 'why me' but I really want to know.

The feeling during one of these episodes is only something I can describe as the first few minutes before a panic attack. My throat catches, it's hard to breathe, and I begin to shake my hands or mess with my fingers because I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my own skin. Like if I don't scratch my way out somehow I'm going to loose it. This is how I'm feeling at this very moment. I couldn't be more ready for this part of the journey to end. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Not that I have much choice. :/