I started an antibiotic today for this acne that is progressively getting worse. It's sore and it's all over my body, and really it's just the pits. It seems vain that I'm worried enough about it to start taking meds when I really don't care for them in the first place, but I look like I'm diseased or something. It's just not pretty. I was reading the package insert (like always) and in big bold all caps letters it says "DO NOT TAKE IF YOU ARE PREGNANT, THINK YOU MAY BE PREGNANT, OR ARE TRYING TO GET PREGNANT AS THIS MEDICATION HAS BE PROVEN TO CAUSE HARM TO HUMAN FETUSES". Wow. Just wow. And the side effects where things like headaches, nausea, vomiting, ect.... Now I know I'm not pregnant. I've been waiting for my period for about a week now. I'm not late, but my thought process was, if by some slim chance I am pregnant and I don't know it, it'll be at least another 2-3 weeks before I'd even test to find out, if I'm having any symptoms I wouldn't test earlier because I would assume it was side effects from the medication, and I wouldn't give it another thought. That would be 3 weeks worth of antibiotics that are PROVED TO HARM HUMAN FETUSES and that was just too big of a risk for me. The last thing I need is to get pregnant after a year of trying then screw it all up by taking meds for acne and causing serious problems with our child. I don't regret the decision, but I do regret how I feel every time I go buy a test. I KNOW I'm not. I KNOW it, but I still let myself get that small small window of hope and excitement, and it gets shot down every single time. In fact, I never actually have to buy the test. It never fails, I walk into the store I'm going to get the test from, I go use the bathroom, and boom, I've started my period. Every.Single.Time. It's like my uterus is trying to save me money or something. And every time I get disappointed.
All I kept running through my mind today was, 'What if you are. What a cool way to find out! By surprise!' But no. With every period comes this sinking hole in my stomach. This sick emptiness that makes way for thoughts like 'It's never going to happen is it? I just can't do it. Why bother?' Then I cry. In the middle of TJ Maxx. I just can't help it. I just can't. I have good days, but most of my days lately have been bad on this front. It's so easy to say 'why me' but I really want to know.
The feeling during one of these episodes is only something I can describe as the first few minutes before a panic attack. My throat catches, it's hard to breathe, and I begin to shake my hands or mess with my fingers because I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my own skin. Like if I don't scratch my way out somehow I'm going to loose it. This is how I'm feeling at this very moment. I couldn't be more ready for this part of the journey to end. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Not that I have much choice. :/
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Reorganizing
It's been a while. It's all been a while. We've officially hit our one year mark for being TTC, and all of the other friends I had that were TTC are officially pregnant, but not us. Wow. There's a pill to swallow. We were denied 3 times from Plan First so now we are moving on to plan B, and trying to figure out what on Earth that is. It all centers around money. It really does. Without insurance, you get no care unless you can pay out the rear for it, and we simply can't afford it as a young couple, owning our first home, and just starting out. It's heartbreaking, but I'm just at a loss for what else to do.
The week we hit 1 year was really hard for me. I actually threw all the baby stuff we've been collecting out.... in the yard.... as hard as I could. It was trash day, I was kind of hoping for it to make it's way there. Like the sweet husband he is, Randy went and picked everything up and put it away where I couldn't see it. I was just so over it. Over the pain, the hurt, the bitterness, the anger, and the jealousy. I'm still over it, but yesterday it got a bit better. My mother in law came over to help me clean off my carport. It was covered with props so I knew they'd have to go into my back room. My 'office'. My office that I haven't walked into in months because it's covered in baby stuff. I got where I couldn't even go in the room because of all the baby stuff scattered everywhere like a wreckage, and that's what it made me feel like, a wreck, so I'd throw stuff in there and just walk away. I wouldn't even turn on the light. Well my mother in law helped me clear it all out and go through the entire room and reorganize, regroup. All the baby stuff is sorted into tubs and baskets under the bed. One for used clothes, one for new clothes, one for cloth diapers, and one for books and toys. The disposable diapers and the carseat are on the top shelf of the closet. I can't see them, they're out of sight, but close enough and easily accessible so I can touch them and hold them when I need to. That was honestly the most important thing to me. That is what I'm trying to do. Keep the whole problem out of sight, and only dealing with it when I want to, or feel like I emotionally can.
It made me feel good yesterday going through the clothes, touching them, holding the blankets, fingering the blocks, thumbing through books. I used to do it often but it's been a while that it hasn't hurt to do. I can't wait until there is a baby filling up those clothes, playing with those blocks, looking at those books. It couldn't come soon enough. One day. One day. Until then I'll just keep plucking along the best I can, and every once in a while, touching those sweet little baby clothes waiting under the bed.
The week we hit 1 year was really hard for me. I actually threw all the baby stuff we've been collecting out.... in the yard.... as hard as I could. It was trash day, I was kind of hoping for it to make it's way there. Like the sweet husband he is, Randy went and picked everything up and put it away where I couldn't see it. I was just so over it. Over the pain, the hurt, the bitterness, the anger, and the jealousy. I'm still over it, but yesterday it got a bit better. My mother in law came over to help me clean off my carport. It was covered with props so I knew they'd have to go into my back room. My 'office'. My office that I haven't walked into in months because it's covered in baby stuff. I got where I couldn't even go in the room because of all the baby stuff scattered everywhere like a wreckage, and that's what it made me feel like, a wreck, so I'd throw stuff in there and just walk away. I wouldn't even turn on the light. Well my mother in law helped me clear it all out and go through the entire room and reorganize, regroup. All the baby stuff is sorted into tubs and baskets under the bed. One for used clothes, one for new clothes, one for cloth diapers, and one for books and toys. The disposable diapers and the carseat are on the top shelf of the closet. I can't see them, they're out of sight, but close enough and easily accessible so I can touch them and hold them when I need to. That was honestly the most important thing to me. That is what I'm trying to do. Keep the whole problem out of sight, and only dealing with it when I want to, or feel like I emotionally can.
It made me feel good yesterday going through the clothes, touching them, holding the blankets, fingering the blocks, thumbing through books. I used to do it often but it's been a while that it hasn't hurt to do. I can't wait until there is a baby filling up those clothes, playing with those blocks, looking at those books. It couldn't come soon enough. One day. One day. Until then I'll just keep plucking along the best I can, and every once in a while, touching those sweet little baby clothes waiting under the bed.
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