Tantrums

I just read this article and I'm reposting because I think it's going to be something I NEED to look back on in the future. It's so true and something we need to be reminded of on a regular basis when dealing with children.

http://www.jennifermcgrail.com/2011/07/your-kids-are-communicating-with-you.html

"Kids always know how to manipulate their parents."

I heard someone say that just a couple of days ago. The topic of conversation was tantrums, and it was one that was going on right beside me, but one that I wasn't a part of. The general gist was this: Kids have tantrums to play their parents.

I disagree.

I see a tantrum and I see a child trying to communicate. (By the way, I really don't like the word "tantrum" but I use it for the sake of this post because it's a common and fairly universal term. We can all hear the word tantrum and envision essentially the same thing.)

We just spent three weeks driving across the country and spending time around a lot of different people. I witnessed many tantrums, by children and adults alike. The difference is, the adults weren't put into timeout, or held against their will, or punished, or ignored. With other adults, we generally take it for what it is: an expressed moment of frustration. One would hope that adults could always communicate their feelings kindly and patiently, without resorting to what we'd classify as a tantrum. But the fact is, we're human. We get stressed, frustrated, angry, and disappointed. Sometimes the heat of the moment gets the better of us. Sometimes we whine. Sometimes we yell. Sometimes we stomp and we huff and we skulk about. Yes, sometimes we're the adult counterpart of the disappointed and crying toddler who was just told that she couldn't get the doll she wanted in the toy store. Do we know that there are probably more effective ways of dealing with our emotions? Of course! But we're human.

So sometimes, despite our best intentions, we have tantrums. Sometimes it's just plain hard not to. How much harder it must be then for a 3 or a 5 or a 7 year old? For a child who doesn't have our life experience, or maturity, or language skills? For a child who for some reason is not only expected to behave as well as a grownup, but somehow behave BETTER than a grownup?

Conventional parenting advice would have us believe that children should essentially be seen but not heard. They should be quiet and docile, obedient and submissive at all times. If they happen to have a strong emotion, they should suppress it, or at the very least express it only in a way that is convenient and comfortable and pleasing to us as their parents. They should be less than human.

We hear things like how we need to stop it immediately, to "nip it in the bud" so it doesn't become a bigger problem later on. To ignore it, and to ignore the child. We're told we must never give in. They're trying to manipulate us! They're playing us! We must stop it!

I'd like to suggest something else entirely.

A tantrum is a way of communicating. It's an expression of an emotion, a feeling, or a need. Your in-the-throes-of-a-tantrum child is not trying to manipulate you. He is trying to tell you something. And based on the deliverance, it's most likely something pretty darn important! When an infant is crying because he has a soiled diaper, we recognize that it is legitimate need, and we attend to it. When an adult friend is crying because she's had a bitter argument with a family member, we understand that she's having a hard time, and we listen. Why then, should it be any different for all the ages in between? Discomfort, sadness, frustration, disappointment, anger.... these are normal, universal, human emotions. A child having a tantrum may be communicating any or all of the above, and she deserves to be heard. Many tantrums' root cause is something even more basic: for example hunger, fatigue, or over-stimulation. Not only does hushing or punishing or ignoring do nothing to address the problem, but it also takes you further from a mutually respectful, and highly connected relationship... one in which no one feels they need to have a tantrum to get their needs met.

Kids will have tantrums. Sometimes kids will have lots of tantrums. And it's not because they're "bad", or "naughty", or "fresh", or “playing” us.... but because they're trying to tell us something.

It's our job as parents to listen.

Zeros and Fives

Went to bed with a peace last night that I haven't felt in a while. I started charting last month and though my temps were all over the place I got the hang of it. This month my temps couldn't have lined up more beautifully and here, 5 DPO, I have a spark of hope. My cycles are 30 days and I ovulated at day 15. I can't help but smile, because God knows, I love my zeros and fives to end everything. My radio volume, my microwave timing, everything. It's fitting with the zeros and fives.Anyone who knows me, knows about this slight OCD quirk. Things feel good. Stable. At peace.

Alvin will be starting his new job soon, Teresa is settling into her new house, Randy has fallen in love with his new classes since changing his major, my business is doing well, I'm getting a new car. For the first time in a long time I feel like maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe everything really does happen for a reason and there is a time for everything. Implantation doesn't happen until 6-10 dpo but last night I felt a tightness in the base of my stomach that I couldn't help to get excited about. I'm not going to say I'll probably fall flat on my face. I'm not going to say I'm not getting my hopes up in order to guard my heart. I'm getting my hopes up. I'm giving myself to this feeling, and if it doesn't happen, then yes, my heart will be broken, but it won't be the first time and I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and truck on to month 16, but for now, I'm going to live in the fact that my perfect dream may very well come true on a month that ends in a 5, that I conceived on a day that ended in a 5 and that the balance and joy I've been waiting for for 15 months is just around the bend. :)

A new day.

I bought a book tonight called "Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program for Maximum Fertility" Do I believe I will get pregnant in 3 months? Of course not. After 14 months you get a bit cynical, but I do need to get my body back on track. I've gained almost 60 lbs in our journey to conceive because of stress, depression, and just plain not taking care of myself. I look pregnant and I'm not, and that is something I'm far from okay with. I don't carry weight in my stomach, I never have, and now it so bad I have to bend over to look down. Unacceptable. I'm ready to start preparing my body in the best way I can so when we finally do get pregnant, I'm ready and my body is in it's best shape possible. I am determined to have a natural birth and to do that, I have to be as healthy as possible so no medical interventions need to be taken. I will take control of my body so my body can take control of my pregnancy. That is what it was made to do.
The book talks about different fertility types, I didn't need to get farther than the 'Tired' type to know that was me. This is from the site: "At the heart of the program Dr. David and Jill describe the five different fertility types—Tired, Dry, Stuck, Pale, and Waterlogged—for women and men. Once you identify your type, you will specifics on what to eat, which supplements to take, and what kind of exercise can enhance your fertility. You will also learn how to implement Chinese medicine and lifestyle changes that will prime you for pregnancy."

This is what it says about 'tired fertility'
SYMPTOMS:
Often feels weak or lethargic
Prone to getting sick
Gets out of breath and sweats easily, gains weight
Poor appetite
Prone to bloating, gas, and loose stools
Low sex drive
Short luteal phase
Feels cold: hands, feet

WESTERN MEDICINE:
Hypothyroid
Low progesterone
Luteal phase defect
Metabolic disorders

TCM PERSPECTIVE:
This type is called kidney “yang” deficiency in TCM, and reflects a broader hormonal imbalance going beyond reproductive hormones and encompassing the thyroid, adrenals, and pituitary gland. Weakness in these systems affects metabolism, circulation, and thus reproduction.

ADVICE
More animal Protein
Avoid raw and cold foods
Alcohol in moderation
Consume warming soups and stews, and spices: cinnamon,
ginger, cayenne, turmeric, cardamom, cloves, cumin
Regular moderate exercise

SUPPLEMENTS:
Royal jelly
Wheat grass
Chromium (boosts metabolism by enhancing the action of insulin)
L-arginine
Chasteberry (helps sustain post-ovulatory progesterone)

My second fertility is 'Stuck'

SYMPTOMS:
Stressed out, easily angered
Tension headaches, nervous stomach, high blood pressure, or muscle tightness
PMS Symptoms including breast tenderness and mood swings, painful periods, irregular cycles, clotted menstrual blood.

WESTERN MEDICINE:
Endometriosis
Fibroids
Uterine polyps
PMS
Mittelschmerz (pain during mid-cycle)

TCM PERSPECTIVE:
The tightness of the Stuck type stems from poor energy and blood flow throughout the body, or what is referred to as qi and blood stagnation. Over time, it can lead to stagnation in the reproductive system, which can cause ovulation problems and inflexible fallopian tubes. Blood stagnation can cause painful or stop-and-start periods, and can lead to reproductive system obstructions such as endometriosis, fibroids, polyps, and cysts.

ADVICE
Regular aerobic exercise
Plenty of fiber
Stress reduction
Hot water with lemon in the morning
Complex carbohydrates
Avoid soy products
Avoid alcohol

SUPPLEMENTS:
Zinc (especially premenstrually)
B-complex vitamins
Magnesium
Calcium

And I feel like I have a lot of the traits of a 'Waterlogged' fertility.

SYMPTOMS:
Problems metabolizing fluids (swelling, inflamation)
Painful joints, aching legs, or headaches.
Craves sugar
carries excess weight
Obesity, heart disease, and diabetes are common
Sinus and lung congestion, asthma, allergies

WESTERN MEDICINE:
Chronic yeast infections
Metabolic disorders
PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome)
PID (pelvic inflamitory disease)

TCM PERSPECTIVE:
This type is called "phlegm damp" in TCM, where the body produces excess fluids and mucus. Stagnant fluids lead to poor transitions, including the many tricky hormone shifts involved in the menstrual cycle, conception,and implantation. This type might have excessive vaginal discharge or cervical inflammation, and my be prone to reproductive system obstructions.

ADVICE
Exercise
Limit dairy
Avoid alcohol, sweets, and greasy foods
Avoid soy, especially if you have endometriosis or fibroids
Keep your environment mold-free

SUPPLEMENTS:
Chromium
Pro-biotic


I suppose I'll update more when I learn more, until then I'm going to make it goal every day to write down or at least say a positive thought about infertility. An inspirational quote, I suppose. Our tax money is coming back in the middle of the month and I'm using some of that money to go see a Dr. Now to just call around to find out information. I'm leaning towards Dr. Young. He delivers in Jacksonville which has the lowest C-section rate in the state.

Disappointment

I started an antibiotic today for this acne that is progressively getting worse. It's sore and it's all over my body, and really it's just the pits. It seems vain that I'm worried enough about it to start taking meds when I really don't care for them in the first place, but I look like I'm diseased or something. It's just not pretty. I was reading the package insert (like always) and in big bold all caps letters it says "DO NOT TAKE IF YOU ARE PREGNANT, THINK YOU MAY BE PREGNANT, OR ARE TRYING TO GET PREGNANT AS THIS MEDICATION HAS BE PROVEN TO CAUSE HARM TO HUMAN FETUSES". Wow. Just wow. And the side effects where things like headaches, nausea, vomiting, ect.... Now I know I'm not pregnant. I've been waiting for my period for about a week now. I'm not late, but my thought process was, if by some slim chance I am pregnant and I don't know it, it'll be at least another 2-3 weeks before I'd even test to find out, if I'm having any symptoms I wouldn't test earlier because I would assume it was side effects from the medication, and I wouldn't give it another thought. That would be 3 weeks worth of antibiotics that are PROVED TO HARM HUMAN FETUSES and that was just too big of a risk for me. The last thing I need is to get pregnant after a year of trying then screw it all up by taking meds for acne and causing serious problems with our child. I don't regret the decision, but I do regret how I feel every time I go buy a test. I KNOW I'm not. I KNOW it, but I still let myself get that small small window of hope and excitement, and it gets shot down every single time. In fact, I never actually have to buy the test. It never fails, I walk into the store I'm going to get the test from, I go use the bathroom, and boom, I've started my period. Every.Single.Time. It's like my uterus is trying to save me money or something. And every time I get disappointed.
All I kept running through my mind today was, 'What if you are. What a cool way to find out! By surprise!' But no. With every period comes this sinking hole in my stomach. This sick emptiness that makes way for thoughts like 'It's never going to happen is it? I just can't do it. Why bother?' Then I cry. In the middle of TJ Maxx. I just can't help it. I just can't. I have good days, but most of my days lately have been bad on this front. It's so easy to say 'why me' but I really want to know.

The feeling during one of these episodes is only something I can describe as the first few minutes before a panic attack. My throat catches, it's hard to breathe, and I begin to shake my hands or mess with my fingers because I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my own skin. Like if I don't scratch my way out somehow I'm going to loose it. This is how I'm feeling at this very moment. I couldn't be more ready for this part of the journey to end. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Not that I have much choice. :/

Reorganizing

It's been a while. It's all been a while. We've officially hit our one year mark for being TTC, and all of the other friends I had that were TTC are officially pregnant, but not us. Wow. There's a pill to swallow. We were denied 3 times from Plan First so now we are moving on to plan B, and trying to figure out what on Earth that is. It all centers around money. It really does. Without insurance, you get no care unless you can pay out the rear for it, and we simply can't afford it as a young couple, owning our first home, and just starting out. It's heartbreaking, but I'm just at a loss for what else to do.
The week we hit 1 year was really hard for me. I actually threw all the baby stuff we've been collecting out.... in the yard.... as hard as I could. It was trash day, I was kind of hoping for it to make it's way there. Like the sweet husband he is, Randy went and picked everything up and put it away where I couldn't see it. I was just so over it. Over the pain, the hurt, the bitterness, the anger, and the jealousy. I'm still over it, but yesterday it got a bit better. My mother in law came over to help me clean off my carport. It was covered with props so I knew they'd have to go into my back room. My 'office'. My office that I haven't walked into in months because it's covered in baby stuff. I got where I couldn't even go in the room because of all the baby stuff scattered everywhere like a wreckage, and that's what it made me feel like, a wreck, so I'd throw stuff in there and just walk away. I wouldn't even turn on the light. Well my mother in law helped me clear it all out and go through the entire room and reorganize, regroup. All the baby stuff is sorted into tubs and baskets under the bed. One for used clothes, one for new clothes, one for cloth diapers, and one for books and toys. The disposable diapers and the carseat are on the top shelf of the closet. I can't see them, they're out of sight, but close enough and easily accessible so I can touch them and hold them when I need to. That was honestly the most important thing to me. That is what I'm trying to do. Keep the whole problem out of sight, and only dealing with it when I want to, or feel like I emotionally can.
It made me feel good yesterday going through the clothes, touching them, holding the blankets, fingering the blocks, thumbing through books. I used to do it often but it's been a while that it hasn't hurt to do. I can't wait until there is a baby filling up those clothes, playing with those blocks, looking at those books. It couldn't come soon enough. One day. One day. Until then I'll just keep plucking along the best I can, and every once in a while, touching those sweet little baby clothes waiting under the bed.

4th meal

Well, the good news is that Plan First isn't totally out anymore. When I asked her if I had to use Smith (since I haven't legally changed my name yet) or if I could use Johnson for my card, she said it would be fine. Well.... it wasn't fine. Now I have to prove I'm an American citizen, which I am, so no worries. lol I'll be going Tuesday or Wednesday this week to get that all cleared up and hopefully be going from there. Fingers crossed the process will be quicker than the last time (nearly 4 weeks instead of 2).
Until then tomorrow I start a new herb/vitamin regimen. Here I was thinking that would be delightfully easy! Pop a couple of pills, break up that scar tissue, regulate those cycles, banish those mood swings, GET KNOCKED UP!!!! Well, a couple of pills has turned into 18 daily broken up into 2 doses. Wow. That's a whole meal in itself! I had to sit here for about 20 minutes just reading bottles and sorting them. Woo. lol Here the break down of what I'm taking and what they do!

Prenatal Vitamin- well duh, this neat little (huge) pink pill will start preparing my body with the extra vitamins I'll need to sustain and have a healthy pregnancy among other things.

Folic Acid- Can't get enough of it when TTC apparently.

Fertle CM- Naturally and safely support the production of cervical fluids. Increase female arousal and sexual stimulation. Increase hydration of the mucin (liquidity of mucus). Promote mucus alkalinity and mucosal thinning.Support a healthy uterine lining for implantation of the embryo.

Black Cohosh- is a very popular female herb used by native Americans to treat gynaecological disorders of the menstrual cycle and pregnancy. Black Cohosh helps to balance estrogen levels and reduces menstrual problems related to infertility. It also resolves estrogen related conditions like fibroids and endometriosis because it has anti inflammatory properties. It also helps prevent DNA damage as it contains antioxidants. This herb is very useful in promoting healthy reproductive health in women over 35 who are trying to conceive for the first time because it helps stimulate cleansing of the uterus, when taken prior to conception. This herb can prevent miscarriages during the first trimester but can also cause uterine contractions.

Chasteberry- is the "queen" of all fertility herbs because it stimulates proper balance and production of the hormone progesterone by stimulating the pituitary gland to secrete luteinizing hormone (LH) in the correct amounts. Vitex stimulates ovulation and regulates the length of the luteal phase addressing luteal phase defect. In western herbal medicine it has been used for centuries to treat sterility and recurrent miscarriages.

Milk Thistle- supports the liver whose job is to synthesize hormones. This herb is a mild liver cleanser that helps support regular cycles by helping eliminate excess estrogen from the body. It is important to take vitamin B6 while taking Milk Thistle as well to help metabolize extra estrogen. This will dicrease PMS and endometriosis symptoms.

Evening Primrose Oil- lowers cholesterol, helps to alleviate premenstrual syndrome symptoms and aids in the production of fertile quality cervical fluid. It is an essential fatty acid that contains gamma linolenic acid (GLA). This gamma linolenic acid (GLA) is converted to a hormone-like substance called prostaglandin E1 which has anti-inflammatory properties and may also act as a blood thinner and blood vessel dilator. These anti-inflammatory properties of evening primrose oil help people suffering from pains, aches and cramps. Evening Primrose Oil or EPO lowers cholesterol, helps to alleviate premenstrual syndrome symptoms and aids in the production of fertile quality cervical fluid. Evening Primrose Oil or EPO does a world of good in treating aliments of all sorts. Evening Primrose Oil or EPO is an essential fatty acid that contains gamma linolenic acid (GLA). This gamma linolenic acid (GLA) is converted to a hormone-like substance called prostaglandin E1 which has anti-inflammatory properties and may also act as a blood thinner and blood vessel dilator. These anti-inflammatory properties of evening primrose oil help people suffering from pains, aches and cramps. It also has effects on premenstrual syndrome symptoms and cervical mucus. If you suffer from premenstrual syndrome, it could be because you are deficient in the fatty acid, gamma linolenic acid.

Royal Jelly- To increase libido, Support egg health, Diminish and reduce the signs of aging, To reduce inflammation caused by illness or injury, To naturally boost the bodies immune system. The coolest thing to me about royal jelly is what it is and where it comes from! This substance is a secretion that comes from glands in young worker bees, and is used to not only create a queen bee for procreation, but is also fed to honey bee larvae to provide them with optimal health and growth. Woot woot!! QUEEN BEE HERE! :D

Add to all those lovely pills (some 2 or 3 a day)an extra Vitamin C, another general multi vitamin, aloe vera, and potassium (just for my pms/menses time) and you've got yourself a regular fertility cocktail.
I'm also doing a castor oil therapy 3 times a week. Let's copy and paste a little more from google so you know what I'm talking about, shall we?
Castor oil therapy consists of using a warm castor oil wrap over the abdomen in order to stimulate blood flow to this uterus and ovaries. Castor oil treatments are quite often recommended by holistic practitioners to treat many gynaecological disorders in women including fertility related problems, like endometriosis, fibroids, polycystic ovary syndrome, etc. This type of treatment is very helpful in many cases to resolve infertility because the castor oil pack relieves congestion and inflammation of the uterus, ovaries, and fallopian tubes. Castor oil therapy increases circulation to the reproductive organs and helps detoxify the liver improving the metabolism of hormones. In these cases, castor oil is used by employing packs over the abdomen (Castor oil abdominal packs) covering both the uterus and liver. Castor oil is absorbed easily into the body through the skin and its healing components are delivered directly into the body tissues. Castor oil therapy can be effective in breaking up scar tissue and adhesions, in loosening up masses and in drawing out toxins from as deep as 8 cm. When dangerous toxins enter the blood stream, they can potentially cause free radical damage, inflammation, and DNA damage. If the liver cannot detox efficiently, environmental chemicals are stored in the fat cells. This is one of the root causes of women's diseases like uterine fibroids, endometriosis, breast cysts, glucose imbalances, thyroid problems, etc. All of these conditions, as you can see, ultimately lead to infertility or fertility issues of some sort. Castor oil therapy that uses the application of a castor oil pack on the abdomen is a simple way to address all of these conditions at once.


Wish me luck to stick with this guys. I truly have a feeling this is going to help. I really do. I want to do this as natural as possible and I don't want to put unnecessary chemicals and medications into my body without exhausting every effort first.

I'm in the war of my life,
at the door of my life,
out of time
and there's nowhere to run
I'm in the war of my life,
at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight til its done


And I will fight. I will fight with everything in me, and I will never give up. I will never falter. This is my dream. This is my greatest desire, and I will make it come true! <3

Dear God,
What are you trying to teach me? What lesson am suppose to take from all of this heartbreak? Patience? Strength? What? I just don't understand. I don't see justice, and I can't understand the plan and I can't find the path? Where are you, God? I feel alone in this. I feel let down. I feel like it's unfair. Please PLEASE help me understand. Please help me see what this journey is suppose to be. Please show me the light at the end of this tunnel. Please let me know there is an end. I need peace. I need to know that this will all be worth it. I need to know I'm not being punished. I know you gave me this ache for a reason. I know this love and this need has a purpose. Why does it hurt so much?

Poems

I truly believe God sends people into your life to walk with you through trials and seasons and though seasons may come and go when they may be out of your life, He always brings them back at exactly the right time. Brittany has been this person in my life several times. I like to think I've done the same for her at some point or another as well. Tonight she came through again, just when I needed it. She sent me 2 poems on Facebook that really put into words what I can't. It's so easy to feel so alone when going through infertility or when you are TTC, but really you aren't. You are so far from it. You are part of a group of women who are stronger than they should have to be, but they fight the same fight for the same goal as you are. Although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it feels good to know those others out there can understand and say just what you need to hear when you need it most.

The Great Pretender

Shopping around and having fun,
Little shoes and hats for the sun...
Wrapped in pink or baby blue,
But none for me... All for you.

Tiny shoes, she'll be in style,
When I see them I give you a smile.
But it tears my heart in two...
Still none for me... all for you.

I rub your bellies when you come around,
Pretending all day that I'm not feeling down.
I'll never let you see the truth...
It hurts to know it's all for you.

I pray everyday up to Him,
"Please know I'm happy for them,
But there is no other lesson to learn.
When, dear God, will it be my turn?"
Wanting, hoping, waiting, and praying.
To have a little one to call our own.
Getting tired of trying and failing.
Just want to make our house a home.
When is it going to be our turn for a baby?
There is this emptiness in completing our family,
This is really driving us crazy!
Maybe one day it will be our time for joy,
Until then we must stay strong and keep hoping
Please pray for us and sprinkle that baby dust upon us!



Thoughts on Becoming a Mother


There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

First Step

This weekend Randy and I got the news that good friends of ours who have been trying to get pregnant for a few months finally succeeded. While I am so very happy for them I still cried and beat myself up like I do every time. I wasn't home so they told Randy, but he asked me what they did to finally get pregnant. They started seeing an OB through the Plan First Medicaid program who put them on Clomid. When Randy found out the ends and outs of the process he told me we'd be trying the same thing.

On Tuesday I went to the Health Department to get a pap smear and apply for Plan First Medicaid. You can read up all about it here on our personal blog. I'll also repost it here.

Let me just start off by saying, I have heard terrible things about the Health Department. Not just ours, all government run health departments. I've heard they are dirty, loud, in bad parts of town, and other awful things. I've even heard that the doctors there are so awful they along will make you loose your child. Yep. That is why I've never been to the Health Department. Well, today I put on my big girl panties and I went to the health department. Let me just tell you, it was the best experience I've ever had in a doctors' office in my life. It was nice and clean and I was in and out in 2 hours. That seems like a while but I had to fill out new patient paperwork, go through a Medicaid consult, have blood work done, get a pap smear and apply for PlanFirst Medicaid. My waits in each waiting room were no more than 10 minutes max. The people were so kind and I was never made to feel like a bad person for being there. They were supportive and they listened to me and the best part, a different nurse would come in and say "Aw, you're trying to have a baby? That's wonderful." I didn't have to repeat myself a hundred times and they cared about why I was there. It wasn't about the money. They generally cared. I can not tell you how good it was to hear "Yes, there is something wrong. You have tried enough and you are doing everything right. Let's see what we can do to fix this." I know I'm not crazy. I knew something in my body wasn't right and it wasn't because God didn't want me to get pregnant, or that I wasn't being patient enough, or that I wasn't believing in the magical fairy dust enough, that something wasn't right. I knew it. Yes, I'm sure people are out there that just need to calm down and boom they get knocked up. Those people aren't me. I've had issues since I was 12 with endometriosis and it's been nearly 6 years since my last checkup. It feels to good to know I was right to be worried.

I didn't cry when they drew my blood (this seriously was a big worry) but they did have to use a peds butterfly needle and go through the top of my arm to be able find a vein. I did on the other hand tear up at the pap. Wow. That was kinda rough. The lady told me that she thinks I have scar tissue in my tubes and if I get accepted into the Plan First program I can see Dr. Daniels about treatment. I may have to have another surgery to get rid of the scar tissue, but hopefully after that we should be able to easily get pregnant. It will be amazing. It will take 2 weeks to find out if we qualify for the program. After that I'll have wait to get an appointment with the Dr. and from there find out the steps we need to take to get the ball rolling. I feel so much peace knowing we have options and a way to get past this. I wish I hadn't waited this long to ask for help. We could already have our little bit on the way. But I'm so grateful that we have information now and I'm hoping this leads us to exactly the goal we have been working so hard for.

Fingers crossed we get approved. If not this all stops here and I'm not sure what we'll do.

If all goes as planned in a couple of weeks we will start contacting OBGYNs to set up consults and decide who is the best fit for us to continue on this journey with. I'm not sure if they'll start us out with Colmid or if they'll check the possibility of scar tissue and checking my tubes. After the last 2 surgeries being so long ago I think that is such a strong possibility I don't really want to stall with anything else. I've heard so many success stories about women with Endometriosis getting their scar tissue taken out and getting pregnant the very next month. If I have to have another laparoscopy I think we have to wait 6-8 weeks before we can try again. Either way, I truly feel like this is the BEST option for us to move to the next step. I'll be so glad to get this waiting period over with to find out if we are approved or not so we can move on. This is the first step to a very long journey and I am beyond ready to begin.

Our Journey Begins

Since I was a small child I knew my purpose in life was to be a mother. I only wish when I was small someone had begun to prepare me for how hard that might be. In a fairytale world you grow up, meet a boy, fall in love, have a great big wedding, then one day a stork comes by and drops a little bundle of joy at your doorstep. Never do you hear about ovulation tests, temperature taking, and least of all cervical position. Nope, no fairy tales tell you about those.

When I was 14 I was 'diagnosed' with Endometriosis.

(Endometriosis is a condition in which the tissue that behaves like the cells lining the uterus (endometrium) grows in other areas of the body, causing pain, irregular bleeding, and possible infertility.)

At the time this just meant really bad, irregular periods, and lots of pain. Now it means our journey to a baby isn't going to be paved with an easy road. We've been trying now for going on 9 months. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a fairly bubbly and upbeat person. It takes quite a bit to get me down, but this has floored me like no other. Unfortunately I have found myself becoming a very sad, angry, and bitter person. None of which I am comfortable with. I hate feeling this way so I'm using this blog as a way to turn that around. I have time to prepare to that's just what I'm going to do. I'm going to use this time to figure out the parenting skills I want to learn, to decide the most important traits I want to teach my child, to educate myself on parenting methods and subjects like breastfeeding, baby wearing, and co sleeping. Doing anything and everything I can to eventually grow into the parent my child deserves. Of course, that all has to be sprinkled with the fun stuff like nursery decor and the cutest strollers in town. :) I know this road may be a long one, and by no means will I be doing it alone, but I would love to take you on this journey with me. To get your input. What has worked for you, what hasn't. You are welcome to follow me on our quest to our child, and hopefully at the end you can celebrate those 2 lines with me when my journey turns to becoming a mother.